The Monster

So my colleagues have done it again, and raised the insane green monster of jealousy, envy, and frustration within me.

I should probably start getting used to it, but it still doesn't make it any easier.One of my colleagues congratulated my boss on the fact that his wife is now at 7 months, due in September. And he said yeah, XYZ (my other coworker)'s wife is also expecting.

And then they went on to joke about how "oh, there must be something in your team's water." I felt my chest suddenly tighten, as they went on and teased me and another assistant that were right there, "Don't you go getting any ideas, now!" The other assistant laughed and was like, "Oh, hell no - not me, not now." I couldn't say anything. My eyes were starting to burn, my throat was dry - I couldn't even bring myself to look up and attempt to crack a smile. The group dispersed and went back to their own offices to continue working - meanwhile, I was trying so hard to fight the tears welling up in my eyes. I was trying to take deep breaths, calm myself down - nothing was helping - so I slipped quietly into the ladies room for a couple minutes and just let go. It wasn't anything major - just letting go of the tears that had broke through the surface. I wasn't in the bathroom for more than maybe 2 - 3 minutes tops. So it's not like I had a sobfest or anything. Just had to get the momentary frustration out of my system.

It just bugs me. I know it's not their fault. They don't know what's going on with me - how could they? I haven't told them. I mean, a few years ago I wouldn't been joining in the conversation, but it's just that things have changed now. The appointment with my doctor on Saturday just made it that much more real for me. All the tests and appointments. The doctor actually said that it's often during this testing phase that conception will actually happen. *fingers crossed* I hope so.

But you don't have to tell me - I know I'm a wuss. There are people that have tried longer and harder than us to have children. One year is NOTHING. My brother and his wife struggled for nearly 7 years to have a baby. SEVEN! Can you believe it? And here I am moping and whining about ONE. *sigh* I mean, I really do try and be strong, and try and be positive, but every once awhile things like this just happen that send me over the edge. I just have to climb back up and start moving forward again...

Lyrical Moments

So I've got all of the video clips saved onto our computer at home, and I'm currently trying to burn them to DVDs...but once again our PC is acting up and is not letting me proceed with the burning. Means I need to work on it some more this weekend with what little free time I will have. Which also means the posting of the photos is getting pushed back...I'm still shooting for by end of summer though, so will let you know as soon as it's done.
And to close this very brief entry, today's lyrical excerpt moment:

Pardon me, your epidermis is showing, sir
I couldn't help but note your shade of melanin
I tip my hat to the colorful arrangement
Cause I see the beauty in the tones of our skin
-From "Colored People" by DC Talk

I just happen to think that that's one of the most creative, original, and clever lyrical sets I've ever heard.

Enjoy!

Shoulda Coulda

Currently Listening: Wild Wild West - Will Smith
Mood: Lazy, yet Ambitious

So I owe y'all an entry...big time.
I should be posting pictures and updating my website, but I haven't gotten around to that yet. First priority is finishing the video that I've compiled from our Europe trip over memorial day weekend/week. I'm trying to work backwards, since that's usually the last thing to get done, but I want it to be the first, here...
So as soon as the video is done, I'll start working on pictures. My goal is to have everything done by the end of summer...but you know me and my schedule and inability to get things done on time. So we'll see what happens.
P.S. Oh man... completely forgot what a kick ass song this is. This song is probably the best thing (if not the ONLY good thing) about the Wild Wild West movie that came out a few years ago with Will Smith and Kevin Kline. Hot DAMN what a kick ass song. Have I mentioned how kick ass the song is? Just try sitting still with a beat like that! Hot diggity!