If I Could Change One Thing About Myself...

You know what I need? Ambition. If I was ever lacking anything and needed to change something about myself, that’s what it is. I never got it, I never learned how to get it, so now I don’t know what to do. I have no ambition whatsoever. I know that. But I can’t go around telling people that. Do you know how stupid it sounds? I’d tell people in college, and they’d be like, “oh, it’s normal, don’t worry about it” or “oh, just wait – college is a time for exploring a variety of things anyway”. Now that I’ve graduated – and from grad school at that – I should have a better idea of what I’m doing and what I want to do with my life and be amibitious enough to take those first few steps in the direction of getting there. Yet my concept of who I want to be and what I want to do is really no clearer than it was 5 or 6 years ago. Kinda frightening really. I do want to make something of my life. I want to flourish with whatever it is that I do best. I really feel a calling towards writing – it’s just that I really don’t know what to write. Maybe that’s just an excuse I keep cooking up for myself so that I won’t have to actually do it. I need to suck it up. Brave the prospects of rejection – because every good writer was rejected at some point in time. I need to get my ass in gear and start making something of myself.

You know what, I went out and got my MBA. I’m not okay with staying in an admin position all my life. I’m not okay with being a stay at home mom (not at this point – but maybe that will change when I have kids). I’m not okay with sitting here letting time waste away. I want to do something, get my name out there, actually be able to say at the end of my road “Hey, here’s what I’ve accomplished!” because right now, I’m really not feeling it.

I guess it’s just hard to know where to start, what to do. Do I start writing, find out where I can send it to be published? Should I find an outlet first and then draft something for it accordingly? No – I think the easier thing is to write something, then seek out an appropriate outlet for it…

I’ll keep you posted…